A Story off the Reservation...

Last weekend I had the opportunity to get away with other women in the community.

I was challenged to be alone and Listen to what God wanted to say to me. I was challenged to get uncomfortable as I listened. To be Naked or Vulnerable and open myself up and lay it all out on the line.

I want to share with you My story. It was a simple moment that made a huge impact!

I am so far from my comfort zone.

 Equipped with all that I need to be comfortable: A warm sweater, a big blanket, a hot drink and a brand new journal for expressing my thoughts.

I am Ready.

I go out to the elements fully prepared. The wind is 10 x stronger than I expected it to be. I unfold my blanket to wrap around me and like a dirty trick the wind snatches the blanket and throws it this way and then that way. All the while I struggle to hold tightly to the corners.

I am Determined. 

I wrestle around and I gain control and I forcefully maneuver my blanket over my head to create a makeshift tent to hide away.

I am Cold. So Cold.

The wind gets stronger. It taunts me, letting me know that I have not won.

I need to go deeper. I pull my arms out of my sweater and pull it up and around me as another layer to hide under. I want to find peace and solace, but it isn't there.

The blanket is flapping and beating against me with every fresh blow. My sweater is not holding the promise it once had for me. My body is twisted and painful. I know that I need to readjust, but that I run the risk of loosing my shelter. Slowly I turn and I pull the blanket in tighter until I am once again able to be content. The wind pushes harder in every direction. I sit and I ponder what can I do to make this right?

Are You There GOD?!?

I feel I must silently scream because while He can always hear me, I can't get past the torture long enough to hear myself.

I retreat once again.

I pull my arms inside my shirt and I am met with the feel of those parts of me that I find repulsive. Is it worth this to find warmth? I am not comfortable being alone.

I need Help.

And that is where God meets me.

The winds of my doubt, of my own depravity, they slam me over and over, day after day.

I retreat to find a place to feel safe.

As I turn inwardly to hid from those doubts, I start to see the parts of me that I hide away. The ugly remains of the girl that can't be cleaned.

I've dealt with these things for a lifetime, but they are still stained.

So I hide the stains and present the faded beauty I have become.

Love- I still believe I am unlovable.

I know He loves me.

 But I also know that He still sees the stains, so there Must be disappointment.

Does He love with exceptions?

He is God!

He is Love!

His Love is Perfect Love, Not human love.

Yes the winds of doubt continue to blow.

But I see Jesus as my warmth and my cleanser.

I go to Him and show Him my sin, my stain, and He smiles at me,

And Then...

He Thanks me.

We then sit under the blanket together and He reveals to me how His love fills the gaps where Human love fails.

As tears drip down my face,

He wipes them gently with his fingers...

Then He wipes His own tears.

My tears and His tears mix to make an ointment that He places around the scars and the raw edges of my stains.

As I came inside and out of the cold, I got wrapped up and tangled in my blanket. I fumbled through the door fighting wind the very blanket meant to shield me.

I shivered my way up the stairs to find a chair beside the window. I pulled my blanket close to warm myself. I prayed the freedom prayer.

Then...

I again...

Prayed the freedom prayer.

As I felt the heaviness on my heart begin to lift. I threw off the blanket and let go of my burdens. I then saw the picture of me coming in out of the cold. I am still pulling and tugging to keep myself covered. As I come to the top of the stairs I see my Savior sitting by the window.

I run and curl up allowing Him to warm me. As I melt in His arms I feel peace and rest.

The doubt and shame and selfishness blow all around but they can't get past the arms of Jesus that surround me.

Lord, Create in me a Clean Heart.

I am Resting.

I am Free.

I am Beautiful.

I am LOVED.